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Let's Just Be Friends...

Recovering from a broken relationship

by H. Norman Wright

Breakup blues "Let’s just be friends". Have you ever heard those fateful words? Or how about, "I think it would be better if we stopped seeing each other"? Heartbreak, disappointment, loneliness, numbness - these are our feelings when we experience a broken relationship. One of the greatest delights in life is loving another person, but one of the greatest disappointments in life is being in love with a person who neither loves you nor wants to be a part of your life any longer. The impact phase Sometimes the first few days after a breakup is referred to as the impact phase. The pain you experience will depend on the length and intensity of the relationship and on your reluctance to have it end. For some, the devastation and intensity of emotions isn’t much different than that of experiencing the death of a close friend or family member. "I wish I could quit thinking about her", one of my young male clients told me. "We went together for three years. I just assumed we get married. What I got instead was dumped. I never knew I could feel this bad. I feel like I’m going through a divorce, but at least divorced people have recovery groups to help them. There’s nothing for me. I wake up and there she is-sitting in my thought life, taking over the day. I wish there was an anti-memory pill ". Why does it hurt so much? Why do these broken relationships hit us so hard? Part of the happiness in a close, loving relationship comes from being loved by the other person. Consider the parent-child relationship. Usually it is a two-way love relationship. If your father or mother dies, you know he didn’t die because he stopped caring for you he simply died, and you accept that. But when a relationship breaks up, it’s different. The love and care that once existed for you is dried up. It’s vanished into thin air. The other person still exists. Secondary losses When the relationship ends, you’re likely to feel a huge secondary loss. The newly acquired friends may not linger, so you’re left with a void. Some of them may feel torn. You may have really clicked with some of them but their initial loyalty was with your ex. What’s more, the friends you had back when you were single may have forgotten about you. How long? I’m not sure I can give you an exact answer because the estimates vary. The authors of "Letting go", a book about recovering from a broken heart, concluded that the average amount of time it takes for haunting memories to subside and for normal functioning to return was usually ½ the duration of the relationship. But the authors also say that the length of recovery time will vary according to the individual and the intensity of the relationship. Another pair of authors describe the emotional state of people who break up as "Love Shock", which is a mixture of numbness, disorientation, emptiness, and anxiety. They suggest it takes most people about a year to complete their "love shock" experience, but it is not unusual for the process to take longer. Here is a good rule of thumb: the more you learn how to cope with crisis and the more knowledgeable you are about grief, the faster you will be able to recover. You and your grief cannot be pushed. There’s no fast forward button. You’ll recover in stages with some periods of calm in between. Your recovery also involves realizing that regardless of how you feel, you have a full life before you-a life full of purpose and meaning. There’s hope For many, a breakup is a crisis. It’s a time when you’ve been thrown off balance, you’re confused, can’t think straight, and your emotions are in disarray. What you want most is relief. But there’s something else. A breakup is a time when you’ll make some of the greatest changes in your life. You will come out of it a better, stronger person than you were before. ___________
(Excerpt reprinted by permission Revell Publisers) To purchase this book from Amazon.com click the link below Let's Just Be Friends... by H. Norman Wright
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