Focus on the person. Concentrate on emphasizing the value of the relationship and what the relationship means to you. Give this area "extra time" in your apology. If you focus on the injury too much, that is what they remember.

Be specific. I’ve just told you not to focus too much on the injury and now I am telling you to be specific. But the emphasis is time share. The percentage of time focused on the person versus the percentage of time focused on the injury. Both need ample, but appropriate time percentages. The shot gun general approach apology that sounds something like "I don’t know what I’ve done, but whatever I’ve done - I’m sorry", will not remove the wedge in the relationship. A specific offense occurred that has resulted in a wedge in the relationship and the specific injury will have to be addressed. Expect that the offended is going to need time to articulate their hurt or disappointment and they are going to need to feel by the end of the conversation that you have "heard them". But the central, overall and convincing theme of the apology should emphasize the value that you hold, in them as a person, and in the relationship that you are anxious to repair.

 

Deliver the goods.  Anticipate verbal or non-verbal expectations from the person you are apologizing to. Over both the short term and long haul they will be looking for actions that "back up" your words. Delivering the goods is deeply embedded in an effective apology.  Backing up your words or "delivering the goods", demonstrates your sincerity by following through with your commitments and promises.

But what about those expectations?  Should you be expected to meet all of their expectations or are some expectations unreasonable?   

First, let's recognize that it is natural to want to see change in behavior and attitudes when the offended has borne their soul and described what is offensive to them.  If the offense is a frequently repeated offense, the zeal of wanting to see desired change intensifies, and that desire may be translated into increased expectations.  This is not to say that the expectations are justified or at times even realistic, but certainly explains the driving force behind the expectations.  

Second, please do not misinterpret qualifying expectations as an excuse to not diligently try. That is too easy of an out and may reveal a potential lack of accountability on your part.  Qualifying expectations is a "deep dive" and I would like to refer you to a  chapter in our new book that addresses this issue more fully.  The chapter is titled "I said I'm sorry, isn't that enough?".

Go all the way.  This is huge in terms of impact and enhancing the relationship. Go beyond the words. We live in a world that expects compensation when something goes wrong. It is relatively easy to say the words "I apologize", but what if financial or property loss has been incurred? Do everything within your power to replace the loss - PLUS a little more. The "little more", is actually massive in terms of influence and impact and has huge dividends in enhancing the relationship. But, what if the loss is so large, that in your life you could not repay the loss? Find another way, some way, any way to serve them that supports your claim to your value in your relationship.